Define Happiness

After a recent petty fight with the husband, I decided to list down the things that make me happy. Well, basically as a reminder for me more than for him.

What really is happiness for me? These are the few things that immediately came to my mind:

• a healthy, nurturing marriage
• an improvement in the house (repaint? pwede! new furniture? pwede din!)
• good health for our entire family (and that includes the extensions most especially)
• new running gear (GEAR and NOT GADGET)
• a good camera (not necessarily expensive)
• new school/art supplies
• an oven or maybe even just new pots to use in the kitchen
• a big bar of dark chocolate (no particular brand, even Goya would do the trick)
• a positive balance on our bank account at the end of the month
• date nights
• lots of hugs and kisses

It's a mish-mash of both tangible and intangible stuff. But you would see really, how mababaw I am. Some days though, I do get swept by the materialism of this world and would wish for things that would probably fall under the category of WANT rather than NEED. And I guess this list can help me get back to my senses when I am overwhelmed by my material desires. 

BUT REALLY. THIS.IS.HAPPINESS.

What makes you happy? Please do share.

Reality Checks, Empty Fridge And Post-Vacation Rants

We just came home from a 5-day vacation at my parents' place in Antique where pampering is the best. I love being at home because I get a break from a lot of things related to household management mostly. Being home at my parents is my break from my adult life and I always look forward to that.

The only downside from all this is the loooooong travel from Cavite to the Pasay airport, Pasay airport to Iloilo airport and Iloilo airport to Antique. That almost consumes an entire day. So yesterday despite being really beat up from the commute we are more than happy to finally welcome rest. BUT (Wait) I open the fridge and realize in dismay, I cannot summon rest just yet because 1) I have to figure out fast what to feed my family for dinner because 2) it's getting dark soon and I do have to rush to the market if I want to have time to rest before I prep dinner. Yes, you thought right. Food deliveries are not a popular option in this household. Well, I can't claim that to be 100% true but we do try our hardest not to make it an option. Today, I'm glad I still had the energy and willpower to choose what my conscience tells me to be the best option.

The sight of an empty fridge always makes me feel really down. Yes, I am my mother's daughter and a fully stacked pantry and fridge (for that matter) gives me some sort of peace and calmness (aren't most wives are anyways?). What's even worse is, I've parked my menu planning mojo for 5 days so my creative brain has yet to awaken. I was in no mood to think of what to cook for the next 3 days. But of course, I just couldn't let that laziness get to my core (aha! some drama finally). At that point, I also realized I do have to reclaim responsibility. Reality check - I am now back to my very own kingdom. Where everything rolls because I command them to. Or rather, because I do the rolling myself. (this is what happens to mommy bloggers who go on long breaks)

So I took out a pen and some paper and made a list - shrimp, fish (yeah that generic because i always get disappointed when i get to the market and not find the specific fish that i was looking for), onions, tomatoes, spanish sardines and some ingredients for my green smoothie breakfast tomorrow (buko juice, bananas, pechay). Tibs helped me out of my misery by deciding what he wants for dinner tonight and he asked for his favorite pasta (thank God for helpful husbands). Well, at least tonight's dinner is solved. Tomorrow will take care of itself (it always does anyways). 

While I was putting together that list, a memory from the past stabbed me. I thought of how different I am now to the Faye that I was say...6,7 years ago? Yes, I've mastered my independence early because I had to be away from my family when I went to college and eventually for work. I learned to do my own laundry, cook my own food, all the basics that would factor out TAKING CARE OF ONE'S SELF. Yes, I could take care of myself then. But 90% of the time too, I yielded to the call of procrastination. Nobody owned my time so I had plenty of time to dilly-dally and cram the last minute. 

BUT Not now. Not these days. No, not anymore. 

Well my concern these days actually ONLY evolve around the issue of feeding. But most days, that really alone is burdensome. And I always feel like I'm carrying a big weight around my shoulders when I don't get the menu done. Or if I couldn't think of anything to cook with what I have in the fridge. It is as if my family will starve if I don't act immediately. Yes, I do over exaggerate. And I tend to push drama into almost every situation, don't I?

In the end, after I've gone through my short list and mentally approved it, I realized I am in fact happy with obsessing myself on matters like this (i.e. feeding my family). Because the reality is -- I value responsibility in more ways than I could actually fathom. I guess it's the sense of responsibility that really fuels me to be passionate about this role. Well apart from of course, unconditional love (which on times like these when exhaustion tended to overpower you is easily forgotten) and mother's instinct (which I tend to lose too when I'm on the verge of a meltdown).

I want to be a super wife and a super momma. Sometimes, I'd like to be a super daughter and a super sister too. And a super friend as well. But at the end of the day, it is ME who affirms my being extraordinary. Not the people who helped define me as a wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend. 

TODAY I was super and extraordinary. And I am giving myself a big pat in the back for that.

50 Promises For Marriage

I cannot remember where I got this originally but I'm sure it came from the yahoogroup - WeddingsAtWork - that I used to be a member of when Tibs and I were still preparing for our wedding four years ago. That group was a tremendous help to me when I was planning our wedding. I gained friends and more from that group. But I will talk about that on a separate post.

Meanwhile, going back to the list. I had it printed and posted at the most conspicuous corner of my office cubicle so I always get a good glimpse of it. It serves as a guide and reminder to me. And to Tibs as well. We don't get to follow all of it but somehow it helps us especially when we're getting into each other's nerves already. I'm sharing it again here thinking it could/might benefit other married couples too.

50 Promises for Marriage
By Dr. Steve Stephens

1. Start each day with a kiss.
2. Wear your wedding ring at all times.
3. Date once a week.
4. Accept differences.
5. Be polite.
6. Be gentle.
7. Give gifts.
8. Smile often.
9. Touch.
10. Talk about dreams.
11. Select a song that can be "our song".
12. Give back rubs.
13. Laugh together.
14. Send a card for no reason.
15. Do what the other person wants before he or she asks.
16. Listen.
17. Encourage.
18. Do it his or her way.
19. Know his or her needs.
20. Fix the other person's breakfast.
21. Compliment twice a day.
22. Call during the day.
23. Slow down.
24. Hold hands.
25. Cuddle.
26. Ask for each other's opinion.
27. Show respect.
28. Welcome the other person home.
29. Look your best.
30. Wink at each other.
31. Celebrate birthdays in a big way.
32. Apologize.
33. Forgive.
34. Set up a romantic getaway.
35. Ask, "What can I do to make you happier?"
36. Be positive.
37. Be kind.
38. Be vulnerable.
39. Respond quickly to the other person's request.
40. Talk about your love.
41. Reminisce about your favorite times together.
42. Treat each other's friends and relatives with courtesy.
43. Send flowers every Valentine's day and anniversary.
44. Admit when wrong.
45. Be sensitive to each other's sexual desires.
46. Pray for each other daily.
47. Watch sunsets together.
48. Say, "I love you" frequently.
49. End the day with a hug.
50. Seek outside help when needed.

On The Road To Being The Wife I Never Dreamt To Be

Fresh from the 6am mass
in Ina Ng Laging Saklolo in Tagaytay during our 3rd Anniversary

Remember that cliche which goes like: "Don't look too far, what you're looking for might just be right in front of you"? Well, that sort of applied to me and my husband. You see, we were workstations buddies long before we became a couple. Well, I never thought it was a love story worth telling but come to think of it not a lot of women end up as a wife to their workstation buddy, don't they?

While we were not the best of friends we did share a love for indie/alternative music (I was floored by his CD collection) and were badminton buddies.  Apart from that and the workstation however that was all we shared. Our personalities are set on opposite sides of the pole. I was Ms. Congeniality and very outspoken while he was the uber-silent,  extremely shy and the I-only-get-close-to-a-limited-few you know what I mean kind of guy. He hated crowds and being around people while I constantly craved to be in the company of friends. You get the picture, I’m sure.

Add to that long list of personality differences, I just really could not imagine us being attracted to each other. As far as I knew then, the attraction merely zeroed in on the CD collection and that was all to it. But a common friend did us a favor and made the move for us. What started as a dare (no make it a command from our friend - ligawan mo na nga tong babaeng to!) turned out to be a test of resilience on his part and a test of compassion on mine. It was a long courtship riddled with countless rejections but he eventually proved it – PAG MAY TIYAGA, MAY NILAGA.

In  the next 3 years we would prove that opposites do attract. Our personalities eventually worked out for us. I was the talker, he was the listener. I made friends; he chose which ones are worth keeping. We complemented each other. That was probably the reason why in the 3 years that we were dating, we never fought big time. We embraced that because even with our differences we both abhor fighting and arguing.

But I guess, when you become husband and wife it's an entirely different story. I guess being too secured for comfort has its disadvantages. So you could say that it was whole new world for us when we jumped into married life. We fought (albeit not the physical kind, thank God) like kids. There were a lot of disagreements and nights when one of us had to move out of the room and sleep on the couch. Even with 3 years of dating to back us up and a year of that spent together in one apartment we were not spared. We had a rocky start.

Having a non-sociable (for the lack of better term) husband could mean a week or (*gasp*) sometimes a month going by without me knowing what’s going on with his life outside of the house. Even with the constant prodding from me for him to talk about how his day went, he’d only share bits and pieces but never the kind that would engage us in a conversation. He also has this obsession with gadgets that would sometimes have him create this wall/barrier around him that nobody can put down except him. It seemed like there’s this DO NOT DISTURB sign hanging on his head all the time. I eventually felt alienated.

In spite of this, I still consider myself lucky for having a husband who listens. I was never the nagging kind but when something bothers me, I have to let that out. Otherwise I'd feel like I'm going to explode. So he listens, keeps silent and gives me space. And later he would woo me into bringing my old cheery self back by either playing stupid or buying me sweets (which I really have a soft spot for).

Every time I'm asked to give a newly wedded couple friend a message only these two things come to mind - constant communication and prayer. It was probably because those are the two things that kept me and my husband together despite of our differences. In our relationship, I already took the responsibility of initiating conversations having realized that I could never really demand that from my husband. Prayers make us stay rooted to our faith and make us realize that we are merely humans who can commit mistakes and should be willing to forgive when forgiveness is sought.

Yes I know at 4 years, our marriage is far from stable. But I think, this somehow gives me a preview of the years to come. Yes there will be constant disagreements and dead air which I really, really hate. And I know that I will have to pray for more patience to withstand those nights when he'd heed off my call and choose to sit in front of the computer till the wee hours of the morning instead of sharing to me how his day was.  But nobody forced me to sign up for this. So I will carry on the commitment I made when I said my wedding vows. I am confident too that despite my husband’s personality he will somehow deliver his part of the bargain.

I never dreamt I'd be a wife. I thought I had a shot at being a career woman and marriage was just not my thing. But somehow when that time came, I was very sure it was something I really want. I just knew that committing to being married to this guy was my destiny. I was and am still happy I took that plunge.

The smile says it all.

The smile says it all. 

I am far from being the perfect wife. But I really do not wish to be. There are days when I had to be nudged big time to remember that I was a wife first before I became a mom. I do tend to go overboard with my dream of becoming a super momma. I realized that I too sometimes alienate my husband. I also build my own wall when I assume the role of being the mommy. But it is clearer to me now why my husband and I decided to marry in the first place. We balance each other. 

To me and my husband, one thing is essential - that despite our ups and downs we remain HAPPY. So we made a promise to always ask each other – are you happy? and how can I make you happier today? Happiness might be vague but to us that embodies our ultimate dream. And when we answer that question we define our needs at that moment. We do not discount the fact that one day one of us might have a No for an answer. We also promised to work it out first and not give up at the onset.

The road that I will travel towards being the ideal wife is long and I’m sure bumpy. I have yet to realize what I really want so I can be better at serving my role as the wife. Most days I’d probably still have my hands full I can hardly breathe but I will hopefully remember to call and ask for help because that’s what husbands are for. And each time I feel like picking a fight, I will remember to remind myself how lucky I was I never had to search far to find what I was looking for. At least I was able to save up some energy to fuel me for the remaining part of my road trip.

Together We Can Do It!

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This is my entry to a blog carnival called It's A Wife's Life hosted by Toni of Wifely Steps

Sweet Rabbit – My Ode To You :*

At home nursing a jetlag that is expected to stretch for a month based on a colleague’s experience, I have been thinking for days…why not document these random thoughts down. At least, the memories are kept somewhere. When time comes for my husband to shout for hugs and kisses I have these ready for him…

Husband — wow. Years ago, I never thought I’d be able to refer to somebody as my husband. In fact, months before Tibs came into the picture I was totally resolved to remove this word from my vocabulary. But whew…I dunno. Things did take a turnaround. A major one at that. Now, I do not only have a real husband to call…I have a bestfriend at my side as well…really cliched…but well…this is what 14 hours of turbulence and 3 plane changes can do to your brain. It’s close to getting high actually. Not that I ever experienced one…he he.

But really, love is the best antidote. For a sick heart, a troubled mind and an exhausted body. I feel reformed. Like it’s a new life. I almost forgot how it felt like to be in love. But I would have really regretted forgetting it if I allowed my anger and temper to set in.

To my husband – you are now my life. And I hope I am yours. As I promised God, I will stay with you and will love you for richer for poorer for sickness and in health till death do us part…these words I will forever take in to the deepest part of my heart. Will carve it to rest down at the deepest part of my soul…to stay for eternity.

For the past 3 years, we’ve never been apart for more than 48 hours. Now that we will be…I promise to think of you every minute of the day. To send kisses and hugs every minute I can. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself till I come back into your arms. Can’t wait to reclaim my place beside that cozy bed of ours…!