Crazy thoughts

In a few hours, I am again leaving the house for the place I am starting to dread day by day.

It's getting more and more difficult to wake up and leave the house. Depression is slowly creeping up and the past days, I have been really struggling to very hard not to give in.

At times, I almost feel like packing our bags and running away to Antique. Life is a lot simplier there. And I have more breathing space.

Back there, we draw happiness from watching the dogs at play and hearing birds chirp non-stop.

Maia would love it there. I'm sure. There's always a good view of the moon out there. And the beach is just a few walks away. And all her favorite animals are all over.

Can I just drop everything now and fly over there right this minute?

2am thoughts

I really should stop giving in to temptation. Especially when it comes to things that I've sworn out of. Last weekend, I told Tibs that was the last gourmet coffee I will ever drink in this lifetime. I ate those words tonight. And now, I'm still awake at 2am.

I remember Mommy's first advice when we got home from the hospital last January 17th. That I should from that day on, get use to sleeping as early at 7/8pm. I should make sure I get my body's 8-hour sleep requirement. I thought that was pretty easy. Who doesn't like sleeping after all?

But then again, I always am ahead of myself. I tend to 'overestimate' my capabilities. Haha. The first thing I forgot then was I had a baby to take care of. So that 7/8 pm bedtime never came.

Today is a wake up call though. I realized that 11 months after Mommy gave that advice, my bedtime is pushing a bit later and later and later....

Starting tomorrow, I will be more cautious of my sleep schedule. That's now #1 on my new year's resolution.

Good night, errrr good morning everyone. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Will that day ever come?

Maia ran out of milk this morning.

Well, that was not intentional of course. It's just that she was supposed to graduate to toddler formula now and we're trying out 2 different brands. She liked the first one. She finished the sampler pack fast. But the second one, she obviously did not. The baby bottled suffered the blow as she threw it immediately after tasting the milk. Poor bottle.

Anyways, so I had to head off to the nearest Mercury drug store outlet to get her milk supply before I head off to work. To save myself a trip back home, she and yaya Inday had to come with me to the store. She had fun, we could tell.

After we've paid for our purchases I took them back to the jeepney terminal and send her and ate Inday home. She was cheery though. Probably because she really enjoys jeepney rides and the sights outside of the house.

I was a different story though. I almost cried while saying bye-bye. I was standing there waiting for the jeepney to leave...still waving my hand saying bye-bye baby. My heart's being torn into pieces. This was not the first time...but it felt like it was.

I wonder if I'll ever get past days and moments like this. Or if the day that I'll never have to say bye-bye to her on a weekday will ever come. I am fervently praying for the latter.

As I head to the direction of my office, I kept saying in my head "Just one more year, baby."

I hope God gives me the wisdom to make the right decision when that time comes.

For now, I have the mortgage to think of. And a lot of other projects lined up for next year. Just one year.

Right now though. That seems like eternity.

Prayers will see us through

Prayers do not only give us hope, it gives us strength in times of dire need. I can personally attest to that. So as another typhoon (a super typhoon even) approaches this badly beaten country of ours over the weekend, let's all keep praying for everybody's safety.

I am sharing this prayer that was passed on to me via SMS. Please share to encourage people to pray.

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Dear Lord, we fervently pray for your intercession so that our nation will be spared from another threatening typhoon.

Our suffering people have not yet recovered from Ondoy's wrath.

Please prevent Pepeng from hitting any of our islands. Save us from further calamities by embracing our country with your protective grace and merciful blessings. AMEN.

80% Less Plastic

Today is market day for me. Our helper takes her days off on Saturdays and since today we were up early to take Maia for a walk, I decided to do the marketing after our morning stroll.

It was the first time I made a conscious effort to take a cloth bag with me to the market. I knew I still couldn't place the wet stuff on it but I'm sure I can still save our trash a couple of plastic bags so I grabbed this souvenir bag that I recently got from Mom Expo and left for the nearby public market.  Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

When I got there I wanted to insist to have the fish and meat that I purchased placed in my cloth bag but I felt like I'm really, really going to look foolish dragging a cloth bag dripping with fish blood around so I halfheartedly accepted my first purchases in plastic bags.

I was excited to head to the veggies section though. I felt good placing my first purchases inside the cloth bag and hearing the lady I purchased my fresh veggies from say, “Ayaw mo nang dumami pa basura ano?” I felt like I somehow made them think of the advantages of using cloth bags. I know people are already aware that plastic is really destroying our environment but I guess seeing somebody point it out first hand makes a lot of difference.

Reaching home, I was thrilled to report my achievement to the hubby. I’m just really happy of what I did this morning. 80% less plastic is a start. I’ll impose this practice on our household from this day on. I know this is really mundane-thinking. But allow me to enjoy my little happy moment. Today, I just felt like I did something BIG to make the world a better place for Maia.

De Quervain??? De What?

Today, I was back at my surgeon's clinic because I could not sleep well for the past 2 days since I discovered a tiny bump on my right arm. It was just a little under my elbows. A tiny little lumpy growth that the hubby initially thought was an insect bite. Only that it's been 2 days and it never itched. So today, I decided to skip work and set an early appointment with my surgeon. I was due for my regular check up in 2 weeks anyways.

First thing she asked when she saw me was, "you're back early, may nakapa ka????" Hahaha. I pointed worriedly at the bump on my arm. To which she immediately replied, "oh that...is nothing. If you're thinking it's related to the PT (phyllodes tumor) it's not." (She actually mentioned the term for the tiny cyst...but the term now evades my memory...tsk tsk...old age?)

I asked if I need to have it removed. She told me I can, if that would help me sleep well. But it's still too small. It's not really a cause for worry. I asked her what could have caused it to grow, and she told me they don't know. She added, "sinuwerte ka lang". Then we started laughing, it seems I've been really lucky with the lottery on lumps lately. Too bad really...this is one lottery I never and will never ever dream of joining on.

So since I was there already, she decided to check on how my mastectomy recovery is going. Okay. All's well. I'll come back on September na lang. That's my next sonogram schedule. We're hoping the 4 tiny nodes on my other breast will disappear already. Hay...life. It just keeps throwing me stuff that aren't worth catching. Haha. But I keep on catching them anyway. Ano ba Faye!

So when I was about to leave, I also mentioned I was having this problem with my wrist. Told her my OB (Again???) thought it was probably still related to my mastectomy. I was prescribed some nerve vitamins to make the pain go away. But it's been two weeks and the pain still lingers. She told me, "oh that's not related to the mastectomy. I'm guessing it's decorvein..."

What's that doc??? De-cor?-vein???

No, De-qua-r-vein...

Oh...is that so? What do I need to do then?

Go see an orthopedic surgeon after this. Get it fixed while it's still early. Pag pinatagal mo pa yan, you might need another surgery for that. Hu-whatttt??? Sige, I'll find an ortho pronto! Hahaha.

So after I left my surgeon's clinic...I went looking for an ortho right away. Good thing, there's somebody available to see me. It turns out, I still got the spelling wrong. What I have is called

de Quervain's Tenosynovitis.

The ortho asked me how long have I been experiencing the pain. I told him it's been a month already. He said it's still early and it's still easy to treat. But it's been a month, he might as well inject some medicine into it. He asked me to buy the supplies at the nearly drugstore and when I came back he injected me with cortisone to treat the swelling. It was painful. Haha. But tolerable.

So now, while I type away...I'm trying hard to concentrate on not getting my left thumb worked up. I've been using them too much and now they're complaining.

Lesson learned today. Use the mouse more often. Hehe.

Shuttle ride musings

These days shuttle rides have become my power nap. Sometimes, I'd be so tired I'd fall asleep as soon as my sweet little butt touches the bus seat. This particular morning however, I decided to take out my iPod and play some music. I wanted that moment to myself and I thought sticking an pair of earphones into my ears would transport me to isolation land. I was successful this time.

I decided to play Hale today. For some reason, I kept thinking of time spent in Arizona and was missing that feeling of independence that I had while I was there. Hale's Twilight album was our official album during our 6-week stay there. I know the lyrics to all the songs in this album by heart up until now.

Anyways (I do love to digress, dont I), one particular Saturday we gathered all our guts and decided to drive 247 miles to Grand Canyon. We were pretty brave. There were after all 5 of us. But then...all 4 were mere navigators...ONLY 1 really knew how to drive. Nobody knew how to trouble shoot a car on the incidence that it breaks down along the way...haha.

But then I'm glad we took the chance. If we did not...I don't think I will ever get to witness the authenticity of nature's magnificence...

This photo below was shot while we were moving...but look at how great it turned out.

More of our Grand Canyon and Sedona adventures here.

Revisiting Forgotten Memories

I was re-reading my journal this morning and found this entry. I wrote this last year when we still did not have internet connection at home. I kept a journal then - I needed some place to store my thoughts in. And some place to practice my writing each time the inspiration hits me. Anyways, before I digress any further here's a snippet of that journal entry I made on July 17th last year. I was about 24 weeks pregnant then. And the Hubby and I had that weekend ritual of starting our day with a round of music from the past. That day, sort of blasted me off to my last few years in college. I immediately got my journal and started writing.

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While enjoying breakfast today, the Hubby played an old CD that brought torrential flashes of memories back. Memories of time spent in UP. Those were pretty good ones. I hope someday my daughter will have something as good as those to go back to from time to time.

I recall Friday nights spent at our apartment with the girls. We'd sit at our bare living room and giddily await Dawson's Creek on TV. Yes. You read it right. We were crazy over Pacey and Joey back then. But I guess looking back now, it was not the memory of the TV show that brings a smile to my face but the memories of quality time spent with great friends.

These girls were witnesses to a lot of things going on then. Going home past curfew time, they would stay up and help me get in. Coming home from 48-hour vigils over numerous case studies and feeling really depressed and really exhausted, somebody's always there to listen to my ranting or just keep me company.

Now, we all live all over the world but I guess that foundation that we had before kept us really bonded that even till now we always try to reach out and remain updated with each other's lives. But today, I just miss the company of the girls. I wish everybody's just a call away.

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Fast forward to year 2009, there's still the three of us who made Luzon as our homebase but since all of us are now living busy lives, a get together is extremely difficult to organize. But then one of our housemates came home from the US, we eventually ran of excuses and finally found time to meet up for lunch. I almost forgot how much fun I shared with these girls. Fact is, it was mostly them who kept me sane. Thanks girls for making me feel young and vibrant again! haha...I wish we can do this again. I can barely recall the last time I laughed this hard.