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Saturday, April 7, 2012

Reality Checks, Empty Fridge And Post-Vacation Rants

We just came home from a 5-day vacation at my parents' place in Antique where pampering is the best. I love being at home because I get a break from a lot of things related to household management mostly. Being home at my parents is my break from my adult life and I always look forward to that.

The only downside from all this is the loooooong travel from Cavite to the Pasay airport, Pasay airport to Iloilo airport and Iloilo airport to Antique. That almost consumes an entire day. So yesterday despite being really beat up from the commute we are more than happy to finally welcome rest. BUT (Wait) I open the fridge and realize in dismay, I cannot summon rest just yet because 1) I have to figure out fast what to feed my family for dinner because 2) it's getting dark soon and I do have to rush to the market if I want to have time to rest before I prep dinner. Yes, you thought right. Food deliveries are not a popular option in this household. Well, I can't claim that to be 100% true but we do try our hardest not to make it an option. Today, I'm glad I still had the energy and willpower to choose what my conscience tells me to be the best option.

The sight of an empty fridge always makes me feel really down. Yes, I am my mother's daughter and a fully stacked pantry and fridge (for that matter) gives me some sort of peace and calmness (aren't most wives are anyways?). What's even worse is, I've parked my menu planning mojo for 5 days so my creative brain has yet to awaken. I was in no mood to think of what to cook for the next 3 days. But of course, I just couldn't let that laziness get to my core (aha! some drama finally). At that point, I also realized I do have to reclaim responsibility. Reality check - I am now back to my very own kingdom. Where everything rolls because I command them to. Or rather, because I do the rolling myself. (this is what happens to mommy bloggers who go on long breaks)

So I took out a pen and some paper and made a list - shrimp, fish (yeah that generic because i always get disappointed when i get to the market and not find the specific fish that i was looking for), onions, tomatoes, spanish sardines and some ingredients for my green smoothie breakfast tomorrow (buko juice, bananas, pechay). Tibs helped me out of my misery by deciding what he wants for dinner tonight and he asked for his favorite pasta (thank God for helpful husbands). Well, at least tonight's dinner is solved. Tomorrow will take care of itself (it always does anyways). 

While I was putting together that list, a memory from the past stabbed me. I thought of how different I am now to the Faye that I was say...6,7 years ago? Yes, I've mastered my independence early because I had to be away from my family when I went to college and eventually for work. I learned to do my own laundry, cook my own food, all the basics that would factor out TAKING CARE OF ONE'S SELF. Yes, I could take care of myself then. But 90% of the time too, I yielded to the call of procrastination. Nobody owned my time so I had plenty of time to dilly-dally and cram the last minute. 

BUT Not now. Not these days. No, not anymore. 

Well my concern these days actually ONLY evolve around the issue of feeding. But most days, that really alone is burdensome. And I always feel like I'm carrying a big weight around my shoulders when I don't get the menu done. Or if I couldn't think of anything to cook with what I have in the fridge. It is as if my family will starve if I don't act immediately. Yes, I do over exaggerate. And I tend to push drama into almost every situation, don't I?

In the end, after I've gone through my short list and mentally approved it, I realized I am in fact happy with obsessing myself on matters like this (i.e. feeding my family). Because the reality is -- I value responsibility in more ways than I could actually fathom. I guess it's the sense of responsibility that really fuels me to be passionate about this role. Well apart from of course, unconditional love (which on times like these when exhaustion tended to overpower you is easily forgotten) and mother's instinct (which I tend to lose too when I'm on the verge of a meltdown).

I want to be a super wife and a super momma. Sometimes, I'd like to be a super daughter and a super sister too. And a super friend as well. But at the end of the day, it is ME who affirms my being extraordinary. Not the people who helped define me as a wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend. 

TODAY I was super and extraordinary. And I am giving myself a big pat in the back for that.

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